


Where Were You

by northerndownpourr



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4026838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northerndownpourr/pseuds/northerndownpourr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Brendon falls for the opening act at his tour, things get real intense really quick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Were You

The band Airline Memories had a lot going for them. Brendon thought. The members ranged in age from 19-21. Their music was smart, funny, and just good. They had talent, and stage presence (this was mostly due to the lead guitarist Alexa Rankov.) Witty and funny, Alexa often captivated the audience more than the lead singer, when it came time to talk on the stage. 

Wearing a pair of high waisted bright blue shiny tap shorts and a frayed grey crop top, she stepped up to the mic. Shaking her hair out, sweaty from the hot summer day. “Well we sure know you enjoy listening to us, but we, or at least, I am sure you would rather listen to Panic!, I know I would. I’m pretty sure some one in the crowd just told me to take my shirt off. I’m sorry random stranger, but you don’t deserve the wonder that is under here. AKA my bra. So you can fuck off. Anyway, here’s our final song WHY CAN”T I EVER DECIDE BETWEEN ANYTHING IN MY LIFE!, yes that’s the actual title. They began to play. 

I watched Alexa change out of her stage outfit in the open area for us backstage, staring at her she moved with grace, putting on a t-shirt and running shorts. Even dressed casually she was beautiful. She had that kind of beauty that made you want her, and I wanted her. But could I do anything about it? I don’t think I can. She’s untouchable. She’s the Mona Lisa you sang about, she had that way about her. 

“Hey Alexa, you did really good. Do you want to go back to our bus and talk?” I asked my voice nervous. Very nervous. 

“Sure, I’d love that, and thanks—that means a lot.” Alexa sounded pleasant, and happy. A difference from her usual stage persona, of angry and sarcastic. 

I walked with her out the back entrance, and led her to the bus. I opened the door to the bus, and led her inside. The bus had a couch with a table, and an area for bunks My bunk was on the left, and Dallon’s on the right, there was a hallway to a bathroom in-between. It was pretty comfy, though tightly confined. 

“Do you want anything to drink? I have the hard stuff and some soda.” I walked over to the fridge next to the table and couch. 

“I’ll take a whisky cut with sprite on the rocks.” She replied, she seemed nervous if that I would judge her for drinking under age. 

“I love that you can actually drink a real drink, I find it sexy to be honest.” I said, hoping I wasn’t being too forward. I mixed up one of each of us, and set them down. Sitting next to her at the rounded bench/couch, I wanted to be closer to her. I wanted some human contact. 

“I was wondering what you wanted to talk to me about? Am I not doing a good job at the shows?” Alexa was shaking both her show clad legs, and appeared VERY nervous.

“No, you are doing a fantastic job. I wanted to get to know you, I think you are a cool person. I like you- I just wanted to chat one on one.” I smiled flirtatiously. 

“Ok- what do you want to know?   
“I want to know about you, but really just why you are doing this.” Alexa said. 

“Start with you…I’m waiting.” I put my arm around her shoulder, and pulled her into my chest. “Is it ok if I do that?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t mind.

“More than ok,” she said smiling, “Now let me begin.” 

 

Chapter 2:

“I was born outside of Philly, I grew up in shitty suburb of philly and went to a public high school,, that is where I met my bandmates, Brandon and Dave. We formed a band and you know about the demo thing. I started playing guitar at 14. I have no siblings, and my Dad worked as a city councilmen in said shitty suburb. My mom was a makeup artist at some ritzy make up store. I was always really awkward as a kid. I was also crazy and ugly, I had to go into treatment for bipolar disorder when I was 15, and at 17 I was inpatient for an eating disorder. I got down to a really low weight- if you want i have a picture. I was put on a feeding tube and gained weight. I’m fucking crazy. I also have a bad habit of smoking too many cigarettes. I love cats, photography, music (duh), and watching Law and Order, well any of the Law and Orders.” Alexa sounded exasperated and sarcastic.

“You sound very interesting, in a good way. I myself you know about, but I also like law and order and smoke too many cigarettes.” I smiled at her, turning my head as she was still in my chest. 

“You know what, you are probably sick of hearing about this, but you are too talented and beautiful to have an eating disorder. You are honest, funny, beautiful, and you are something I will never be able to put my finger on, not literally of course,” I said I traced her collarbone,”but figuratively. You are just something better than what you think of yourself, I saw it when you guys auditioned. You’re really special, some people would think.” I looked her square in the eyes, I just wanted to kiss her, something just came over me. I knew I shouldn’t, couldn’t, but I so wanted to. She was wearing just jean shorts coming up to her waist and tight tank top with a geometric print on it. Her hair was wavy blonde and to her collarbones. But I couldn’t stop staring at her face, she was just stunning in the weirdest way.

Suddenly she pulls out her phone, “I wanna play a song, it’s one of yours.” She smiles as Collar Full comes. “I know how you were looking at me. I could see it in your eyes. She reaches up and whispers “if you gotta be the death of me, thats how i wanna go.” into my ear. She then proceeds to push me into the soft vinyl of the bench. “I hope this is what you wanted…I don’t kiss and tell by the way…” Her voice was smooth and seductive and her tank top off. I proceeded to pull off my black leather pants from the show, and she proceeded to kiss my collarbones and down from there.

All of the sudden our bodies on top of each other, naked, when there is a click in the door. In walks Dallon. I look over, he looks away, Alexa buries her head into my chest.

“WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?!” Dallon looks angry, and I was naked and very much in the wrong. But she had more to lose. “You are divorced 5 days and you are fucking the opening act, seriously Brendon. Did you guys even talk, or did you just bring in here to fuck you AND NOT LOCK THE DOOR!!!,” he had started yelling at this point, “and you can’t even spend the 100 bucks to get a fucking hotel room. Jesus fucking Christ Brendon, she’s 19 and you are 29. You are WAY too old for this shit. Now put some clothes on her bus already left.” He looked like an angry father. “AND DON’T FUCK AGAIN WHILE YOU ARE LOANING HER A T-SHIRT.” He shouted back.

“Oh my god, Alexa I am so sorry. Really I am. I should of locked the door. Jesus I am an idiot, a motherfucking idiot.” I ran my fingers through my hair. 

“Honestly, it’s ok. Seriously, It’s okay. It was fun, I say we do that again.” She put on one of my T-shirts from a fever you can’t sweat out era. God, I was skinny then. 

Chapter 3:

“Brendon do you have any pants that would fit me? I feel weird in a t-shirt from your high school, which I am keeping by the way.” I looked through my closet, nothing would fit her. 

“You’re too damn tiny…seriously, i saw it when were, as dallon put it, fucking. But why does it matter he’s seen you totally naked. And don’t worry he’s annoyed at me not you. And you look sexy in my t-shirt. 

“I want to just cuddle with you. Like snuggle under a blanket, can we go to your bunk?” She asked looking all innocent, like earlier hadn’t happened. “I mean I’m trapped on your bus for 20 hours so I might as well enjoy it.” She laughed as we walked back to my bed/bunk. 

I pulled out my blanket, a soft blue sherpa fleece and a sheet. There was air conditioning so it wouldn’t be too hot under the blanket. I got in first and laid down, she then followed in suit cuddling up to my chest and mumbling song lyrics before grabbing a notebook on the pull out table, and writing them down. My eyelids were getting heavy and her breathing had slowed. She was asleep, and I was about to be. 

Upon waking Alexa was gone, she was had crawled out of the bunk, and was standing in the kitchenette, talking to Dallon. She was still wearing my T-shirt and still looked cute, she had wiped off all her make up and put a pair black ray bans on. Dallon was sitting there drinking what appeared to be a sprite, one of his favorites. 

“Hey Dallon, do you guys have any pasta? I was going to make dinner.” She asked turning around to open one of the few cupboards where she found the pasta we had. “Perfect!” She started making the pasta, half dancing to to one of the songs that she played. The t-shirt waved back and forth over her small frame. 

“You found it, and I’m sorry about earlier. I freaked out a little more than I should have. I understand what happens and we are more than hoppy to have you on our bus. Just remember to wear pants next time, and tell your band before. You seem really cool, you have since we picked you guys.” His voice was sincere and sweet. 

“Thank you, Dallon, that means a lot. Next time i will bring pants though I am not giving him back this shirt.” She stirred the pasta as I walked up towards her and lifted her up. She was so light. 

“I’m gonna have you do a back flip. You said you did gymnastics, right? I’ll lift you up and you just turn and land, cool?” She nodded and lifted her in the air. She flipped off of my shoulders and landed perfectly on the ground.

“That was cool, now I have to teach you something. Just wait, I can find something to teach you.You know how to do a flip off an amp stack and not die?” She asked with a laugh.

“No I do not, I mean I could but I’d be scared.” I was surprised she knew how to, to be honest.

“You’ll learn, You’ll learn.” 

Chapter 4:

It was time for the next show, this time in Philadelphia, Alexa’s hometown. I thought. I wasn’t sure what we were but I was sure that I wanted to make her hometown show special. And I think I knew what to do, if she was up for it.

Grabbing one of my old vests and suspenders from the closet of the wardrobe cart, I decided to go to her tour bus. Knocking on the door I motioned for her to come out. I was excited to see this for two reasons. One her in a vest, suspenders, and tight black shorts would be incredibly hot. Second I knew it would make her happy. She stepped out of the trailer in black short shorts, the same tap shorts from American Apparel, and my t-shirt. 

“Change shirts, you are performing a song with us. It’s the one you put on the demo. You’re gonna play guitar on it. And do some of the singing part, I’ve heard you sing and I know you can. I’ll do the chorus and you can do the verse. Now hide behind that stack of amps and change. 

“Um….okay. You’re freaking me out Brendon. Why do you keep wanting me to wear your clothes…and with my shorts? Like what the fuck… I love it though.” She walked behind the amps to quickly walk out wearing my white shirt, a tux shirt, with the black cross back suspenders. 

“Oh my god you look hot. Now you have to be in stage in 20 minutes so go put a hoodie on. You have to wear that at our show. I have a hoodie you can wear, it has a kitten on it, very you.” I threw the hoodie at her.

“Whatever, I gotta go on.”

She played their set, amazingly I must admit. Then walked back stage without saying a word, took off the hoodie, put on more eyeliner. “C’mon Brendon, lets go.” She motioned me and Dallon on to the stage.

“Guess what bitches, I’m back, just for one song though. LET’S HIT IT!!!” 

She started the intro with Dallon, and then started singing “The Ballad of Mona Lisa.” Her voice was deep and throaty, and quite sexy. 

“And if she had the proper words to say…she would tell him- but she’d have nothing left to sell him.” Her voice was captivating, an almost spoken word yet still singing. I came in with the chorus and she started talking off the song.

“These defiantly aren’t my clothes, but this isn’t my song either. I just wanted to thank Brendon and Dallon for letting do this. Now I’m gonna watch panic play.” She started to walk off stage, and I suddenly grabbed her.”Hit it guys!” They started playing the chorus to there’s a good reason… and I grabbed her and spun her around. Singing the song, she seemed to get the rhythm fine. 

I lifted her into a back flip during the interlude and then we spun around and we just spun. I lifted her up to an amp stack. She stood forward and flipped off the tall amp stack She tucked her legs then split them out. Landing perfectly on her feet right in time to my ending note.

“Give it up for Alexa! Remember to buy her band, Airplane Memories’, CD, The Road that you Can’t take (no matter how hard you try)! She may be coming back once more, if thats ok?”  
I heard the crowd cheer at the mention of that, before I continued my set. 

I had a note left back for Alexa. It contained instructions and one of my gold lamé suit jacket from the Gospel/Too Weird Tour. The instructions told her to put on the jacket, and that she was going to sing a song, with me. Dallon and the others would handle the music. The song I had picked was new perspective.

When we walked back out from the encore she followed ask, but before she came out she asked a question. “Is it cool if I talk a little bit for my hometown?” Her voice sounded nervous. 

“Of course.” I said right as we walked out. 

“Hey guys, it’s Alexa again. I just wanted to introduce a little something. First off we will be singing New Perspective. Second, I am from philly,” the crowd cheers in approval—she’s doing good so far and I am anxious as to see what she’s gonna say. “I just wanted to let everyone of you in the crowd know that you are beautiful and wonderful, and that no matter what anyone says or does you are worth life and a good life. I want to see, if your willing,hands in the air if you have ever hurt, starved, hated, or tried to kill yourself.” I see a lot of hands rise up in the crowd which has fallen to silence. “I felt or did all of those things and just want you to know it does get better, you just have to fucking try and want it. I want all of you to want it. I’ll be hanging out at the merch table with my bandmates. Come say hi! Anyway, here’s New Perspective.”

Alexa begins to sing, in that deep yet surprisingly beautiful voice, and I come in for certain parts before closing the show,

“I know nothing I say will live up to what Alexa said, but everything she said is true. She is a wonderful human being.” I walk up and kiss her, with out saying a word. We all say good night, and walk of stage.

“Did you really just do that? What are people going to say? I thought you wanted to keep us-whatever we were- a secret.” She sounded confused, distressed and tired. 

“Whatever we are? I’d like to think we are something. I know it’s been short but we’ve been through a lot. I feel close to you. I like you, I want us to be something. I want us to be some version of together. I finally found someone that is excitable, and lovable, just beautiful.” I was shaking. Some how she had gotten to me, somehow she she made me want to be a better person. I wanted her.

“I feel that way too… i just was shocked you wanted to make anything public. I think we should go slow or something…we could make a statement about it on the official tumblr.” She pulled off her sleeves, to reveal smooth red lines up her forearms, some of them had gauze some were still bleeding.

“Jesus fucking christ Alexa….why did you do that. Why on earth did you do that. You could of talked to me…oh my god, Did i make you do this? Please be honest.” I had tears welling up in my eyes. 

“It’s not your fault, I was so nervous to perform with you guys. Its an old habit. It just is…um…worse than I expected. I didn’t mean to do it. It wasn’t your fault, I wanted to perform with you. I just was wondering if it meant what I thought it meant and it did, and now I just want to go and get my stuff and sleep next to you. Do you have anything you could bandage them with?” She then started to cry, silently running down her cheeks were tears, she quickly pulled the sleeves down on the gold lame jacket, and left. 

I sat down and took off my suit and changed into sweatpants and t-shirt. I felt like a fucking failure, just a failure. I shouldn’t of pushed her, I should of not even talked to her, let alone pursued her. I can’t bear knowing I did this. It was too much. 

I got out the first aid kit, from the driver’s side of the tour bus. Took out gauze, tape, and anti-septic. I knew how to bandage cuts because I used to cut. It had been a long time and my scars had faded, but I still knew how to bandage. 

She came back wearing my t-shirt, and a pair of leggings with a light bag. She had tears dried on her face, and the cuts on her arm, at least some of them, were bleeding. I had never seen something, so fragile and hurt yet beautiful in the same way. Maybe it was l the light on her face and hair. 

 

Chapter 5:

I’m gonna clean them off, and it’s gonna sting. It looks like theres a lot. Your whole arm is covered, or both arms really. What did you do this with? It looks bad.” I asked, my voice caring and soft. 

“I took a razor blade. I’m so sorry” She was so upset, and her arms were so tiny, you could see the knots in her elbow bone. 

“Don’t apologize, I understand,” I put the hydrogen peroxide on the cuts and put pressure on the ones that were bleeding. I started to sing northern downpour to her as a bandaged everything up. Both arms were entirely gauze covered, wrapped tightly. 

“I just feel like a fuck-up. I never meant to do this, I just meant to get some relief and soothe the nerves.I just got carried away.” She once again had tears streaming down her face. 

“It’s ok. You won’t be able to wear short sleeves for a while, except around me and dallon. You can have anything thats mine in the wardrobe closet, or I can take you shopping. But if you don’t want people to know I would change you wardrobe.

“I know. I’m so glad you were able to help. Thank you. It means so much. He arms were bandaged with gauze from top to bottom. I gave her another t-shirt, and let her lay down. I went to talk to her band mates as she fell asleep on the couch, sweat pants and my t-shirt. There was a few spots of blood on the bandages. 

Gathering up her things, I brought them on the bus, after informing her bandmates. I woke her up to say she could spend the night in my bunk, after I got out my blanket and slept on the bench.

She woke me up at 6:00 am. “Brendon- I just want you to know how much I care about you. How much you’ve done for me. I really really really like you. “ “I may even love you.”

Chapter 6:

I sat up at the mention of the word love. No one would I even consider hearing that from would be her. “What, I may feel that way too but let me get up. I need coffee.” 

I got up confused and in a daze and slightly hung over from me pre-show whisky shots. I wasn’t drunk, just a little tipsy. Secretly I have stage fright, but that is another story. Suddenly I realized how fast everything had gone, how it had been like a week, and I just don’t know. At first I thought she was just a rebound from Sarah. I just wasn’t sure how to feel, she was so fragile. She was almost frail. All of the sudden I wanted to sing Northern Downpour, something I had not done in a very long time. I got the coffee from the keurig, but what I really wanted was starbucks. 

I had asked the Driver to stop at Starbucks, and he said there was one right down the road. I told Alexa to put something over her bandaged, frail arms.

“Where are we going? I don’t know what to put on. And they hurt, they really hurt. Brendon, I’m sorry I can’t do the tour. I just can’t. You don’t want me, no one wants me. I’d be better off dead. I’m serious. It doesn’t get better like I said. You don’t want me, not a single person would care if I killed myself today.”She started to cry as she put on a plain sea foam green hoodie. 

“Alexa, do you know how many people would care? Your bandmates, your family, your friends, your fans, the people who felt in their hearts your it gets better speech, and do you know how much I would care, how much I would miss you, I do love you, I don’t care how long I’ve known you, I love you and I can’t bear to see you like this. I need you, and if this continues promise me you’ll get help. I want you to be around for me. Even with everything, I still want you.” I grabbed her, careful not to touch her cuts, and kissed her. With everything that I had, I kissed her. I loved her, and in that moment I knew it. I knew not to lose her and I knew not to lose it. 

“Brendon, you do care. I never thought, I honestly never thought. I need you to care. I want you to keep caring, I need someone to live for, something besides the band. The members don’t even like me. They just care about sleeping with random chicks. My parents don’t care, I don’t have any friends. You are the only one who even remotely cares about me.” Her eyes were wet, and and I grabbed her hand to walk into the Starbucks. 

“You really do care, like honestly?” She asked, and she leaned into my chest, her hair brushing against my thin t-shirt. The blonde waves looked beautiful, blowing in the wind. “You are so beautiful, and I want you to see that.” I kissed her on the cheek. 

Chapter 7:

I was back on the tour bus, we were heading towards New York. I just wanted to make her feel ok. She had wanted to drink, all day and was hiding in the bathroom. Thank God I hid all the Razors/blades.

“Alexa, what have you been doing in there…please don’t tell me cutting.” I was worried. She wasn’t responding and I opened the door. Then I saw it. “Alexa!!!! Oh my god, say something please… just say something… DALLON!!!” He came rushing in. 

“I she dead? Oh my god there’s a bottle of tylenol on the floor. I think she overdosed. I’m gonna call 911.”

I checked her pulse. She was still breathing, but barely. I vaguely knew how to do CPR. But the paramedics would be here soon. How could she do this? How could she do this to her self? She had so much in front of her. I laid over her limp body, as the paramedics come in. I move off of her. They started chest compressions, and put an oxygen mask on as they loaded her into the ambulance. I told them I had to go that she had no one else.

They started an IV in the ambulance, she was breathing, and I too was dying. I thought this was my fault, I could of done more, I should of locked up the pills. I should of done something, I should of known. But how could I have known? I just was so upset. So very upset, but then I realized, I needed her as much as she needed me. I may of needed her more. Something about her had captivated me, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. She had stirred in me——

“WE’RE LOSING HER!” The paramedic started chest compressions as they rushed her into the hospital, through the doors and into the hospital. They wouldn’t let me go back. She was in critical condition and they didn’t know if she was going to make it. She had taken half a bottle of tylenol. 

I collapsed to the floor, as Dallon helped me to get up. I posted on the blog, that all shows would be cancelled until further notice. 

Then doctor came out and called for me. 

Chapter 8:

“Brendon, do you have any relationship to Alexa?” The doctor asked, I was preparing for the worst.  
“I’m her boyfriend, she doesn’t have any family really. She is touring with me.” I was so nervous, my knees were shaking, my eyes were watering. I couldn’t stand to feel this way so quickly. I don’t know how it happened, but I honestly loved her.

“She is going to make it, in fact she is awake now. She said we could talk to you. She wants to see you. She’s been asking for you since she woke up about 20 minutes ago. We pumped her stomach, and are giving her IV’s. But it was close, her heart stopped for a little bit on the way to the room. Her condition has been moved to stable” The doctor led me back through the door, as Dallon sat on his phone.

I saw her in that bed, they had put her in a gown, and all her cuts on her arms were visible. She was so small, and tiny, but she was sitting up. They had an IV in her arm. She was pale, as white light bulb with out the shine. She was smiling weekly at me.

“Brendon, I’m sorry.” She croaked out.

“Oh, Alexa. I wish you would of talked to me. I know you feel like you had to do this, but you didn’t. I love you, like really love you. Please promise me you will stay. Promise me, promise me you’ll try.” I was holding her hand, and leaning against the bed.

“Oh Brendon, I’m sorry. They said they wouldn’t put me in the psych hospital at least. I want you to stay and I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I won’t be able to tour. I fucked everything up. I don’t want to delay the tour.” She was crying, and looked so thin. She looked too thin, too fragile. She needed help.

“Alexa, we are going to cancel the tour. I am about to post the official post on the blog. I want to be here for you. Even in such a short time I don’t want to lose you. You are first person I’ve felt this deeply about in such a short time, ever. I want you in my life. We can draft the note tonight, everyone has already been informed, and we posted a brief statement just saying shows would be cancelled.” I kissed her hand and stroked her hair. 

“Brendon…I relapsed in my eating disorder. That’s why I look so tiny, and tired and sick. That’s why I tried to kill myself. I didn’t want to continue feeling how I felt last time. But I thought about you as I was fading. I left a note in the medicine cabinet. I had weighed myself, and it triggered me. I’m down to 98 lbs, at five foot eight. I can’t tour, and I understand if you don’t want to deal with me.” Alexa was crying, and shivering in the cold hospital.

“Do you want me to sing to you? So you can go to sleep?” I offered to her as her eyes were closing.

“Yes, sing Always, please.”

When the world gets too heavy  
Put it on my back  
I'll be your levy  
You are taking me apart  
Like bad glue  
On a get well card

It was always you  
Falling for me  
Now there's always time  
Calling for me  
I'm the light blinking at the end of the road  
Blink back to let me know

By the time I got to that part of the song, she was asleep. I watched as they wheeled her up to her actually hospital in which I followed suit. Before I went to sleep in the chair, I drafted a note for the official tumblr.

hey guys, it’s brendon. I just wanted to update you on the tour status. The rest of the shows will be cancelled. We will be refunding ticket money and making them up. Alexa Rankov, of Airplane Memories, is having some medical issues that require hospitalization, Due to the fact that she is my girlfriend, which I am also announcing now, I will be staying with her. I sincerely apologize guys, and I appreciate any understanding you may have. Positive thoughts would be appreciated. 

Chapter 9:

I sit in the chair as she sleeps. Watching her, I am racked with guilt, but yet love at the same time. I don’t care how short we had known each other. I love her. I love her with all my heart. At some point around 5, I plug in my phone and fall asleep in chair, sitting in a hoodie and sweat pants. 

At about eight in the morning, she wakes me up. It felt so good to hear her voice. 

“Brendon…can you come here? I want you as close to me as possible.” She looked so pitiful, yet so lovely. She really was beautiful, cuts and all. But also I thought about the fact, that she looked so pitiful, and breakable. She needed me more than I needed to tour. I scooted the chair to her bedside and stroked her hair. “I love you…and I want you to get help. They said you could do it outpatient? I was thinking you could live with me in Vegas. I want you to be ok.” My voice was tender and soft. 

“That would be great. Really it would, i feel fine. Except I'm very hungry but don’t wanna eat. Before I came in here I hadn’t ate anything I didn’t throw up in a week, and i only threw up twice. It’s a miracle I was able to perform. They are letting me go home today. Or to whatever combination of home you mean. I don’t want to die anymore, and I’m sorry I ever tried to. I love you.” She was crying, so i kissed her on the cheek. 

Soon the nurse came with the discharge papers, which she signed. She had to agree to get treatment in lieu of psych hospitalization. They wheeled her out to the bus, where Dallon was waiting. 

“Alexa! Dallon shouted and hugged her. She seemed glad to be back into regular clothes.

“Thanks Dallon. I’m sorry about the tour, I could stay around and not perform. Do you want to give an interview?” I asked hoping they would be able to make things right. 

“All of us have an Interview in an hour, or at least a web interview. It’s your choice what you want to say.” I said. “Oh and your wearing that long sleeve tux shirt with one of your blazers. They are laid out on my bunk. “ I said following her in there. 

“I’m so nervous. I don’t know if I want to say what happened, I think I should tell the truth, Bren.” Alexa was being cute, calling me Bren. 

“Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you, I said after she got dressed. 

“Not if I kiss you first!” We leaned in towards each other, and I pressed my lips into her’s, and then she ran her fingers through my hair. We pulled away when he had to go to the interview. 

“So…. This is Panic! at the Disco. and Alexa Rankov of Airplane Memories- and Brendon’s fucktoy.” The interviewer already had it out for us. 

“FIRST OFF- SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND, I DON’T JUST USE HER FOR SEX! SECOND OFF WE CAME TO TALK ABOUT THE REASON WE CANCELLED OUR TOUR WHICH IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO YOU FUCKER.” I was screaming at him.

“Ok Alexa, make your statement.” The interviewer seemed annoyed that Brendon called him out.

“Here is my statement. I tried to kill myself, I OD’d on tylenol, and almost died. I am also seeking treatment for my eating disorder, which I have relapsed in, I also have something to show you under my sleeve.” She takes off her black blazer, and unbuttons the sleeves on my shirt to reveal the cuts. “So for all of you blaming Brendon, blame me and look at this, because is what the tour is being cancelled for, and i think thats justifiable.” By the end her voice was quaking and angry. 

I said we were done here, and shut the macbook. Alexa was crying. “I can’t believe he said we were just sex, I know that’s what everyone thinks when you said girlfriend. But I know we are more than that. Though you look so hot right now.

She led me to the bunk, and I followed as she had already started to take off her shirt, she unzipped my pants and took off her leggings. After being instructed to take off her bra with my teeth, I struggled with that. She pushed me down with more force than you might think, and began to kiss up and down my body. I decided to kiss her very flat stomach for a while, before things got serious. 

Chapter 10: 

We laid there…sweaty and tired. Something feels right, this feels good and meaningful. The bus would be at my house soon. Just after a good nights sleep, I snuggled her closer- her small e clad frame in a t-shirt pressed into my body. She was asleep. 

I was just watching her breathe, which I was so thankful for. I realized that about 48 hours ago she could of, and almost died. It was a miracle she was still here. I had never fallen so fast and quick. She was special, really special. Special enough to cancel a tour for. Special enough to yell at interviewer for. In that moment, i thought, everything was golden. Even the light from the bus window was gold as I fell asleep. 

We woke up about 5 minutes from my house, Dallon had already been dropped off. She quickly got dressed, and I realized I would have to pack up my stuff once we got to the house. Suddenly in that moment I saw her smile, a real smile. She seemed so glad her suicide attempt had failed. Then she started to sing, she was singing That Green Gentlemen (Things Have Changed), and it was beautiful. 

She now was standing in leggings and an old tour t-shirt, of one of our 2014 tours. She looks directly at me and sings “Things have changed for me..” and pauses. I then sing “and that’s ok, I feel the same.” She then continued to sing. 

“They shipped my clothes to your house, my manager did. They are announcing today that we are breaking up. But I don’t really care, I’ll make a new band. They were dicks anyway, and I'm not just saying that.” She gathered up all the kitchen stuff, and put it into a box. 

“I’m sorry, but you had the talent in that band anyway. You’ll find some one, you may be even able to play with us on the next record. Are you gonna go back to school— I know you finished up your first semester of freshmen year. You could transfer to somewhere down here.” I finished the sentence, not sure what I meant in the ways of transfer down here. Does that mean we live together, maybe-maybe not. I feel like I’m having this weird inner monologue about our relationship, I should write it down. Anyway, I thought.

“Transfer down here? Are you implying that I move with/by you/“ She asked, a strange look on her face. “I didn’t know you were that serious.” 

I then realized I was serious, I was extremely serious. I had to let her know I was serious. Because if I didn’t I might lose her.

“Alexa- I am serious. I want you to move in with me, while you get treatment and/or go to school. I want you to be with me. I want you and I’m serious about it. I love you and you know that I do, or at least I hope you know that.” I said that and that’s when I realized— that I never had felt this strongly about anyone, ever. Not my parents, not Sarah, not anyone. Something about Alexa awakened something deep in my soul/heart (whatever is in there), and that I couldn’t lose it- I couldn’t lose her.

“I really really really love you, you know that. Something has just put me in the right place at the right time. Someone put you in the right place at the right time.” She picked up a couple boxes and suitcases and walked out of the bus. By this point we were un loaded and everything was in cases and boxes sitting in the foyer.

“Mother of fuck you have a nice house!” Alexa said as she entered the foyer. 

Chapter 11:

“It’s ok. I have to be modest you know?” I laughed, when have I ever been modest in my life. She starts walking around and looking at the living room which flows into the kitchen, it’s all open. There is a long sectional in front of the big TV, and the walls were painted black with all awards and album covers and photos from the band on the wall on one wall. The couch was a light grey leather and the entertainment cabinet was small and white, the floors were cherry-esque wood. It really was nice. 

“I love the way you decorated. I wanna see the bedroom.” She seemed perplexed and in awe of everything, like a little kid meeting santa. 

“I’ll walk you upstairs.” She took off her hoodie. The cuts seem to be healing nicely. I walked up the smooth separated stairs, they were the same reddish wood that was downstairs. She didn’t seem to care too much about the kitchen, but then again, neither did I. 

“Oh my god this is great!” She looked at the bedroom, a black bedspread with white vertical stripes, I think I had an old suit like that, and a big TV, There were closets that had mirrors in stead of doors, 

“The bed is even better,.” I patted at the bed but she had gone into the bathroom with clothes and makeup. I waited about 10 minutes and tweeted a selfie with a weird face and the caption “HOME IN VEGAS!!” 

She was wearing a jacket with double breasted buttons and eyeliner, along with tight black pants. Then she starts singing, Lying is the Most Fun a Girl can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off. Her voice was incredibly sexy, and she looked like me, at least until she unpinned her hair. Now she just looked sexy.

By the time the she sung the song, she had the jacket off and was laying the bed in her underwear. I was undressing my casual clothes and then stood there in my underwear. 

“Oh.my.god. you are so hot right now. I mean damn Like how am I supposed to live up to that? Honestly I might be as turned on as I have ever been in my life.” 

“I honestly expected that.” She laughed and, I climbed into the bed and kissed her, pushing her onto the pillow. She responded by biting my neck and tracing my collarbone with her finger. 

“Now it’s your turn, Brrrrreeeennndon.” The word was elongated sexily. 

“I know…” then everything was a blur of bodies, and moans. This ended up resulting in very messy sheets and a nice nap for the two of us. 

 

Chapter 12: 

Alexa was standing in a black tight tank top, and a pair of printed leggings. That’s when I realized how tiny she was, she was small and frail looking, and pale as a ghost. She was mixing some kind of drink. 

“What are you drinking?” My voice still hazy from sleep and was pricked with curiosity. 

“I’m mixing sprite with lemon powder- if you don’t believe me you can come up and look.” Her voice sounded sharp.   
“I do believe you but I have to talk to you about treatment. You said you would get treatment.” My voice was a forceful and concerned one. 

“I will…I’ve talked to a couple places, I just didn’t want to bother you.”

“When was the last time you ate? And PLEASE be honest. I’m really concerned for you.” I asked her, staring at the shoulder blades sticking out of the tank top. 

“I don’t know… a couple days ago. Listen…I’m sorry. I’m going to get treatment. I know I can’t keep this up. Maybe we can look up treatment today.” She seemed sincere. I pulled out my macbook from it’s drawer in the living room. I don’t know why I keep it in a drawer when I am at home, but I do, its nice and handy. 

She got a the laptop up and started googling. Page after page, she looked before saying something.

“This place looks nice, they have a partial hospitalization day program. I would go there during the day and sleep here and it’s only from 9-2. She looked at the website, like a deer in headlights. Her cuts were almost healed and leaving lined scars, luckily the scars weren’t raised.

“Oh Bren, I’m not sure I want to get better, I want the cutting to get better. But contrary to my suicide attempt I want to continue to starving myself. I look better this way. I know you’d rather I look like this.” She seemed defeated. I was just hoping she wasn’t doing this for me.

“I actually think you look too skinny. You look breakable… I don’t want to break you. I want to feel you when you are healthy, I don’t want to see you agonizing over everything you eat, I want you to be happy, I want to go out to eat with you and get drunk with you. I love you, so I want you to be happy..” I looked at her and she looked back at me. I think something had clicked in her mind about why she needed to be ok. She had to be ok. She just had to. Then I started singing Bon Iver’s skinny love. 

“And I told you to be patient,  
And I told you to be fine,  
And I told you to be balanced,  
And I told you to be kind,  
And in the morning I'll be with you,  
But it will be a different kind,  
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets,  
And you'll be owning all the fines.”

My voice was soft and sweet, and I tried to get her to sing along. It was one her favorite songs. She didn’t sing. Instead she cried. And cried, and cried some more before saying a word. 

“I do want to get better, I just realized. I want to get better for you. And I’m sorry if I’m breaking down right now, it’s just I realize how much I put on the line for that tour, and I fucked it up for you, me and everyone else. Because I’m as fucking crazy as the day is long— to quote Lana Del Rey. I’m just gonna go back and live with my parents before I get too attached before you can’t put up with me, which I’m so afraid of because no one has ever cared about me this much- more importantly in such a short time.” She stood up and put on a blazer of mine, then started to pace and move back and forth rapidly before sitting down on the wood floor in the living room. 

“Oh Alexie,” I called her that little pet name as I sat down next to her. I put my arms around her and leaned her into my hoodie and my chest, “I would never do that. I need to tell you something, to make me seem more, i don’t know, crazy. I used to cut myself, all through out high school and the “A Fever You can’t Sweat Out.” era. On the sides of my arms, my scars have mostly faded, but it was bad. I started to drink, and smoke. I was a mess. I’m not some perfect person. I am not free of regrets and fuck-ups. If you can deal with my fuck-ups I can deal with yours.” I was rubbing her back, waiting for her to say something. 

“Oh, Bren. you are absolutely wonderful. I just want to stay here in this light. The window light is beautiful just like you. I just want to lay here, and just be next to you. I want to see the light in your eyes like you just had.” She laid down, making a pillow out of the blazer from earlier. 

“You are the beautiful one, you are the one with lights in those beautiful blue eyes.” I laid down next to her, and we talked a little until she fell asleep. 

I picked her up and carried her into the bed, tucking her in I took of my hoodie and laid down next to her. It seemed to be morning again, but I didn’t care that we had stayed up all night. I just cared that she was going to be ok. I laid in bed, and tweeted out a lyric. Then laid into a deep sleep.

Chapter 13: 

I awoke to find Alexa eating, actually eating. She was eating eggs and 2 links of turkey sausage. Actually eating, for once. She had set out a plate for me, mine had more food on the plate than hers.

“Hey Alexie, thanks for making breakfast,” I kiss her on the cheek, Sitting down I look at what’s in front of me, sausage, eggs, and a biscuit that was clearly store bought. 

“Your are so welcome, Bren. I really love you. But now we are going to dance. I’ll show you.” She leads me into the living room and puts on Hallelujah, one of my songs, a recent one too.

She grabs my hand and has me lean down in a hand in hand bow for intro. She then jumps a way from my hand and spins, before instructing me to pick her up and lift her above my head before tossing her onto the ground. Only now did I notice that she was wearing heels. During the chorus we repeated the flipping move, before I lifted her up by he ankles as she did a back flip. Landing in a prayer position. 

“Oh my god that was incredible. How did you do that?” I asked in disbelief. 

“I took dance as a kid, and am a ballroom dancer in my spare time. All you had to do was the lifts, I made it easy for you. We should do that at a concert. You pick up quickly though. And Yes I was wearing heels.” She said, and I wondered how one human could do that. “It’s one of my many talents. 

I laughed, she looked happy, truly happy. Their was light in her eyes and a massive smile on her face, her cuts were now scars. And once again, everything was gold. Something was so different this time, so very real. It was real, she was real, and I was real, and everything was built on trust. 

“I’m going to get dressed, we’re going somewhere. Put on something normal. I’m wearing a t-shirt and jean shorts. I suggest cargo shorts and t-shirt.” She said and then walked off to get dressed. 

I met her out in the entryway as she had her purse and my keys in my hand, “I’m driving by the way,” She walked out to the convertible, and started it while putting the top down. I then plugged into my iPod and started some upbeat music. 

“Where are we going exactly?” I asked, very confused that she had taken my keys and made me get in the car.

“To do something you’ve been pressuring me to do since the tour. Treatment, bitch.” She laughed and was in a good mood. I wanted her to stay like this forever. I wanted her to be happy, and just full of life.

“Really? I am LITERALLY so happy right now.” I kissed her on the cheek and then she pulled into the office building after about a half hour of driving. 

She walked into the office, with out saying a word. Visibly nervous I could almost the fear in the air as she clicked her heels on the tile. She was taller than me now, wearing about 4 inch black heels. Putting my hand around her I started to talk. 

“I know you can do this, you are so strong and it is so worth it. You are so worth it. Remember that.” I kissed her as we walked into the office, where I sat down in a chair holding her hand until they called her back. 

I sat there nervous. I started to write a song, a song for her. I put it in the notes of my iPhone. Someday she would hear it. 

She walked out of the appointment smiling. 

“Was it ok?” I asked as I stood up from the waiting room chair. My voice was hopeful, as she was smiling, and it looked in her face that it went ok.

“It went really, really well. They gave me a meal plan, of so many calories, but they want me to gain weight. Which really isn’t surprising. But I think I’m ok with it. I’ve been feeling good, I have wanted to get better, which is a major change. I want you in my life, what you have done he past month and a half has meant so much to me. I love you, more than anything I could ever say.” She leaned against my shoulder, letting me drive back home.

We walked into the house. She didn’t take off her heels, quizzically I looked at her. Then she spoke again. “I want to dance again. I think it was beautiful before. She put on First Aid Kit’s Stay Gold. 

We swayed back and forth with her occasionally dipping down. I remembered the lifts we did earlier for the chorus, At the end of the song, she landed in my chest as I leaned back. Stay gold, stay gold. I thought. 

I sat down on the couch with a gin and tonic in my hand. Alexa was dancing around the room, wearing a blue sequin and flowey dress, she had her hair down, and was wearing actual dance shoes, which I didn’t know she had. She looked beautiful, I know we can use this in a show, she could use this in her new band- when and whatever that might be. 

“You are stunning…sit down and have a drink. I’ll make it.” I stood up and walked to the kitchen.

“Same as usual…Whiskey cut with a little bit of sprite on the rocks. Do you want me to change?” She asked, tiredly. Her voice with out its usual cutting edge.

“No, if you don’t mind. You look really pretty, the deep blue of that dress suits you. You really are beautiful, like stunningly so. I’m not just saying that. I mean it.” I swirled the drink in my hand and gave it to her on the couch. I started to play with her hair, swirling it between my fingers, twirling the blonde locks in between my fingers.

“You are so pretty…just, I love you. Can I kiss you? I want to kiss you. You look like a painting, prettier than the mona lisa.” I said my voice attempting to be seductive. 

“Of course you can kiss me, just I want you to be romantic. Why do think I was dancing?” She had set down her drink. I pulled her in by the shoulder, after she had traced my collarbones. Slowly kissing her I put my hand down to her waist. She laid down on the couch, and whispered in my ear “I want to leave you breathless, and make you wait.” Her voice was incredibly sexy.

“Brendon, that’s all you get for tonight.” She said teasingly. “Did i leave you breathless?” Alexa traced my collarbone again. 

“You did leave me breathless, everything you do is beautiful and breathtaking,” I followed her upstairs as she changed into comfortable clothes and we laid down. I was singing to her. She was the only one, the only thing that mattered to me. If this was love, I was living in it, swimming in it. Totally engrossed by her.

Chapter 15:

I woke up next to Alexa. It was around 7 in the morning. She was sound asleep, I looked at her arms, the cuts had scared and weren’t open. I decided to go have a smoke on the balcony when she crawled out of the bed, wearing a shifty floral shall and leggings and black tank top. She walked out to the balcony with me, overlooking the pool. She then pulled out her own pack of cigarettes. Standing in silence I looked over at her and pulled out my phone. 

“:Let me take a video for vine, is that ok?” I asked, wanting to remember this. “You can say what ever you want,” I added.

“Of course, I always wanted to be on the internet with you.” She said and then she started talking as I filming.

“I love you BRRRRRREEEEENNNNDDDOOON.” She spoke into the camera, before I turned it off. 

“That should go over well, Brendon.” She said after taking a drag on her cigarette.

“I don’t care,sooner or later people will realize you are here to stay. You are for me, and you do love me, I know you do.” She put out her cigarette on the porch. 

“I love you too… now let’s put out that cigarette, I’ll show what we didn’t finish… come here.” She waved 

She kissed me on lips, while doing the collarbone thing that i so love, She took off the floral shall, and laid down on the bed. “Take off your T-shirt.” she whispered, I immediately took off my t-shirt, and threw it to the floor, back door still open. 

“No I want you to take off your shirt, too.” My breathing was hot and heavy as she kissed and worked down there, 

“Uh uh, she paused, “I am in charge tonight, or today really.” She continued. 

“Now I want you to fuck me.” Please…god, her taking charge was so hot. I may explode.

After sufficiently fucking her, to her satisfaction. We laid there, in silence. 

“That was so hot, Alexa. Why don’t you boss me around more often?” 

“OH MY GOD MOTHER OF FUCK THERE HAS BEEN SOMEONE ON THE PORCH THE ENTIRE TIME AND I THINK THEY WERE TAKING A VIDEO” She started freaking out and scrambling to get dressed. That’s when I checked twitter. They posted it online…everything…FUCK!!!!” 

“What the FUCK do you mean, like they filmed it and posted it like a sex tape?” 

“Ex-fucking-exactly. I have to call PR. If I, we, don’t do damage control this could be really bad. I don’t want this to be your legacy.

We quickly put on suits and had the PR lady come out to the house. She set up a microphone and I was standing there in a normal black suit and Alexa was standing there in a red dress with short sleeves that went down to her knees. She was white as a ghost, even with the make up she put on. They started rolling the cameras, this would be the official video for the website.

“As most of you know, I’m Brendon Urie from Panic! at the Disco, and this is Alexa Rankov, my girlfriend and formally of Airplane Memories. The tape that was released today was not filmed by either of us. We were under the impression that we were private in our own home. We sincerely apologize for anything this may of done. I also ask if you know who shot the tape to turn him or her in. I will now turn it over to Alexa.” My voice was professional, yet serious.

“I hope you don’t let what I do in what should of been private with my boyfriend color your opinion of either of us. I did not want this to happen. This was an invasion of privacy, not a publicity stunt. Thank you from both of us.” 

The cameras cut and, we and we sat down on the couch. I was incredibly pissed at the situation. I felt violated, I can’t even imagine how she felt. I wanted to make sure she was ok. 

“Alexie, are you ok? I want to let you know this won’t define you. You’re gonna be ok.” 

“I just feel so disgusting…everything was ours. This was supposed to be ours. I don’t want this morning to be the world’s. I wanted it to be ours. I feel like I was robbed of that. Brendon I want everything to be special, and that was special. Really Really special. She had tears streaming down her face.

“I understand that, but it still is special, and there is nothing wrong with any of what WE did. I want you to go on your personal tumblr, and see if any one claims to filming it. But we can do that later. I am going to make pancakes.” I said, my mind annoyed and tired, and saddened-mostly for Alexa. 

“I don’t want any, Brendon. I just don’t.” She looked so defeated.

“Alexa, please eat. You are doing so well… please, for me? Just try.” My voice was pleading. 

“Fine. I’ll try but after that I just want to lay down and read, and listen to records.” 

We ate the pancakes in silence, I had never seen her so cold and distant. I went upstairs to the music room, where I called Dallon about recording a new song. I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to record, but even if it never made it beyond us I wanted to record. After calling him I started singing— Several Ways to Die Trying by Dashboard Confessional.

My voice rang out, 

“tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.  
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,  
while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I'm dying to live. Pacific sun, you should have warned us, these heights are dizzying and the climb can kill you long before the fall.  
And our trails go unmarked and unmapped and covered  
just as soon as they are crossed.”

My voice was soft in tone but loud in volume before I knew it. Then I heard Alexa’s voice join on the chorus I sang when it came around again. I stopped for the instrumental and hummed, I could tell she wanted to sing. Her voice was beautiful, more beautiful than I had ever heard it be before. She held out the long note in the chorus of the song that was end. And it was stunning. Without a word she started singing Mother, by Pink Floyd.

It was beautiful, throaty and almost spoken, unlike the last chorus. 

After Mother was over she walked back into the room without a word. 

“Alexa, that was amazing, you have NEVER sang like that before.”

“I heard you singing and decided to join in, I don’t where it came from. I’ve never sang like that. Maybe it only works when I’m upset. I want to sing Northern Downpour together.. is that ok?

“Sure… Ill play the instrumental track.”

The track started, I put my arm around her. We started to sing, and I was ok with singing this song. I was actually ok with it. I really did want the sun, and the moon to forget to fall down. Even after everything, all of this terrible shit. Something about us worked, something just fell into place. It really is true, the world is a broken bone, and you should melt your headaches and call it home.

Chapter 16-ish:

We were sitting in the living room, after Alexa’s therapy appointment. The backlash from the “sex tape” was over and she was becoming less of an enigma. I finally felt she could be something human, something that I could see as fully as one can see another. However, we had barely left the house. And It was time to put on a show that we had been working on. “Panic! at the Disco…with Alexa Rankov.” It was to be held in Vegas, for free, you know we had cancelled a tour and all.

She pulled together her outfits, and I wore my ridiculous suit and knew I was going to be shirtless by end of the night. Now we wait.

“A moment you’ll never remember, and a night you’ll never forget!” I was standing on a blacked out stage, on top of an amp which I was about to flip off of. By the time I got off the amp, Alexa was dancing on stage wearing what appeared to be a crop top and shorts. 

She then grabbed the microphone, and sang all the Hallelujahs, and joined in with me on the “Say your prayers.” 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP VEGAS! I’M BACK, AND WELL SHE’S BACK TOO! AND THIS GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A SHOW!!!” I shouted, wearing a silver suit, with just a little bit of glitter. 

“As most of you know, I am Alexa. I am just here to sing and look hot.” She started singing Girls/Girls/Boys. She sang really well, and I would join in on the chorus. We ran through the set before ending it with a slow one, Northern Downpour.

“I know we haven’t played this in a really long but heres NORTHERN FUCKING DOWNPOUR, and we are going to ball room dance to it, and sing of course.Hit it Alexa!” She sang the first few notes in darkness before revealing her in a beautiful dress and I was wearing a “normal” black satin suit. We started to dance, just like we did in the living room. No background music, but i instructed everyone to pull out their lighters and cellphones. 

“The ink is running towards the page…” She sang and in that moment it looked like everything was perfect, golden and perfect. We had the crowd join in and sing. I lifted her over my head, and she flipped backwards. “Hey moon please forget to fall down, you are at the top of my lungs…” I finished it out, and I meant it. Really moon don’t fall down. Everything is perfect. 

“Thank You, and We really hope you enjoyed that. We’re gonna go off this stage and into a car and into our house. But you all, you all stay beautiful and strong.” Alexa said, blowing kisses and touching some of the crowds hands’. The curtains then went dark and we walked back to the stage to change out of the show clothes. Just like the old days. 

Chapter 17 (I think):

We walked into the house at about 3:30 in the morning, exhausted. But it felt good. Everything felt good. She was doing so well, she even had gained weight (it actually made her look hotter.) She was what I needed and more. And I had some good news for her. 

“Hey Alexa, I just wanted to let you know you are invited to join us on our next tour when the new album drops, I also want you to be on the new album. With some vocals and guitar. Would you like that?” I asked my voice tired, and filled with yawns. 

“I would love that, I would also love sleep.” She was exhausted looking. And covered in something that vaguely resembled sweaty glitter, and maybe a little confetti. We did blast the audience with glitter confetti. So that is probably why, no that is why.

She took off her shorts and crop top, without grace this time, and put on leggings, a tank, and this flowey thing I don’t have the proper name for. It looked kinda like a robe, but without ties or a front. 

“I’m going to bed, we did good. Really Goo…” She was asleep before she finished the sentence. I put the covers over her, and stripped down to my boxers and went to bed myself.

Sitting up it was already 1 in the afternoon. Alexa was already up, and watching Law and Order. There dishes from breakfast in the sink, which made me happy. I sat down next to her.

“I’m so tired, but I had such a great time. It was so great, just…just thank you. It felt really good to actually be a presence on stage, and to be respected for it.” She leaned her head into my shoulder and drank a glass of lemon water. 

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Can I have a sip of your water?” I asked.

“Sure, do you want me to get you something.” She asked very sweetly.

“No, I don’t. I’m good- I want to know how you feel, you seem to be acting weird.” I said, she just seemed cold, even in her thank you.

“I’m just lonely, besides you of course, I feel like I don’t have any friends. On tour it felt like I had friends. I just miss my college friends, we talk, but I think I need to get out more. As much as I love hanging out with you, I need other people Brendon.” She cuddled closer to my chest. 

“Do you want to go back to college? You could transfer down here or go back to where you were at NYU.” I said stroking her hair. 

“I don’t want to go back to New York. I want to stay with you. But maybe I would transfer down here. I don’t know. Maybe I should do some charity work, as much as I love you I miss some other people. I miss my parents, I know I said I hated them, but they are still my parents.” Alexa was tired, and a little melancholy. 

“Why don’t we call them baby?” I asked as she nuzzled her head against my chest.

“Oh bren, it would be perfect if you talked too.” She smiled and lifter herself off my chest to grab her iPhone.

“Hi, Mom. It’s me and Brendon. I just wanted to say hi.” She spoke nervously into the phone, her legs shaking. 

“Oh! Alexa, it’s so nice to hear from you. How are you, how is Brendon- he seems like a really good guy. Hi Brendon!” Her mom’s voice, was sweet and pretty— like hers but without the sexiness of the deep and throaty tones.

“Hi Mrs. Rankov, I’m Brendon. How are you?”

“Oh honey, call me Helen. You are so cute, especially you and Alexa.” Her mom was seeming to be nice, I know Alexa had resentment.

“Ok Helen, I just want you to know that your daughter is beautiful, and just a wonderful human being. Do you want to FaceTime?” I was being really sweet. I wanted to see if she looked like Alexa.

“Yeah Mom, that’s fine. You can watch us being cute. We’re cuddling.” Alexa actually seemed warm towards her Mom. We turned on the FaceTime.

Mrs. Rankov had short reddish-brown hair, styled in a typical middle aged way. She had the same perfect nose and cheekbones of Alexa, but not Alexa’s full lips. She was still pretty for her age.

“Oh, you are too are cute! You look so in love. I’m taking a screenshot.” She just seemed so happy to see Alexa happy.

“If it’s okay, do you guys want to come out to Vegas and stay at our house, I just have to make sure that’s ok with Alexa.” I looked over and kissed her on the cheek. 

“Of course that’s ok. We’ll book the tickets for this weekend. But I have to get ready for therapy. Love you” Alexa hung up the phone.

“Brendon…I’m just warning you they act nice but they are VERY passive aggressive. But she did seem to like you.”

Chapter 18 (or whatever):

“We have to leave to pick your parents up from the airport, hurry up Alexa!” I said, putting on my Ray-Bans, and sticking my phone in the pockets of my shorts.

“I’m coming BRRendon.” She sounded pissed off, as she came down the stairs and pulled on a hoodie. For some reason it was chilly, even in septempber in vegas. Then I thought… what if she cut again, cause of her parents.

We were in the car and I noticed blood on her hoodie. “Alexa you’re bleeding- I know you cut. I’m gonna pull over. I need to see, why did you do this? You could of said no to them coming out.” My voice, tender yet firm, I pulled over to the side and she took off her hoodie. 

The cut wasn’t that bad, at least not compared to the other ones. Just a scratch really.Relieved, I wiped the little bit of blood that was there and found a bandaid. 

“Alexa, I’m glad this one isn’t as bad as the others, but please talk to me, think of how much it hurts me to see you hurt yourself. You are so beautiful, so very beautiful. I would give anything for you to see that, think of how you felt after the concert, think how proud you were. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” I grabbed her and kissed her, soft and tender, to try to make up for all the words I could never say, even beyond those.

“Oh Bren, I thought of you. That’s why I didn’t go deeper. I stopped when I thought of you. I just get nervous about my parents, they are just so dreaming towards me.” She was leaning into my shoulder as I drove again.

Soon we got to the Airport, it turned out just Helen (her mom), could come. Her Dad had business to attend to. Probably, fucking someone she whispered to me, Alexa whispered that is. 

“How have you guys been? You two are such a cute couple! I’m so glad I could come out here. I had been so worried about Alexa she never talks to me.” Helen was being kind, but cold. I can see what Alexa was talking about now.

“I’ve been good, Mom.” Alexa was holding on to my right hand, which wasn’t on the wheel. We sat the rest of the car ride home in silence. By the time we got home, Helen was upstairs packing, and Alexa and I were doing dishes. 

“ BRENDON!!!! I CAN’T DO THIS!!!” Alexa slammed down the plate and smashed it onto the floor. 

“Alexa, Alexa, calm down. Just calm the fuck down.” My voice was strong, but soft. 

“Listen…I can’t have mother out here ok. I just can’t do it. It makes wanna die, and I’m not kidding. I told you we didn’t have a good relationship and you knew that YOU FUCKING KNEW THAT!!! AND YOU INVITED HER OVER HERE ANYWAY!!!!!” Alexa was shaking, and crying, and screaming in a way I that I had never seen before. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll have her leave. It’s ok, baby, I want you to be happy. I wish you would of said no, she didn’t have to come out here.” I was now hugging an Alexa, who slid down the floor next to the broken plate only for her take a paper from her hand. It said simply, in scrawly handwriting. 95.4. 

“Is that what you weigh honey?” I was so worried, so stressed out for her. It left me no time to think for myself.

“Yeah…” She sniffled. “It is. I’ve been faking what I’m eating. I’ll try harder next time I promise, I was just stressed.” She had curled up into a ball in my lap. Her head resting between my knee’s. 

“It’s ok. Alexie, we’ll work through it. I’m gonna tell your mom that something came up and she has to go. 

Chapter 19:

As soon as a I started to stand up, Alexa’s eyes went shut, and her head collapsed to the floor. I slowly set the rest of her down, as I stood on my feet. She was out, cold. But she hadn’t overdosed. She really hadn’t, I had seen her all day. I Immediately called 911. 

“Hello 911?” The operator answered. 

“My girlfriend is passed out and she’s unresponsive but breathing. She hasn’t had anything to eat in at least 3 days because of her eating disorder.” I was freaking out, she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t die. She was mine, and I was at my breaking point with her. I couldn’t deal as much as I wanted to.

The paramedics showed up and loaded us into the ambulance. She had woken up at this point, and had admitted to not eating for 5 days. They were taking her to the psych hospital eating disorder floor. She was crying. I was screaming. I had lost it. I was just crying and screaming and sitting in the floor outside the psych wing.

“We are going to admit Alexa, for at least a week. She will probably have a feeding tube, and here is the card with visiting hours. She needs to gain about 30lbs. We weighed her lower than what you said. We weighed her in at 91.4 and 5’9”. She’s severely underweight. Visiting hours start in about 10 minutes so you can see her. They are putting the tube in now.

I waited around for 10 minutes until I saw her. She was wearing a hospital gown, and her leggings.She had a blue tube going in her nose, and out behind her ears. She was a paper doll, a fragile paper doll. She for the first time I could see, didn’t look beautiful. She looked sick and sad and it was killing me. I don’t know how long I could keep this up. How long I could stay strong, how long I could see her breaking before it was breaking me. I couldn’t understand how she could hate herself so much.

“Alexa, please come here.” I was crying as we walked towards her room, and the unit was nice looking. Bland with brown couches and a table. It was clean and friendly. She shuffled slowly in hospital socks, the gown not even close to sticking to her body. The pants baggy, and her body shuffling. 

She sat down on the bed. “Oh Brendon, Brendon. I’m such a fuck up. Please get rid of me. Please dump me, save yourself the trouble.” She kept coughing because of the feeding tube, her words choking behind her throat.  
“Alexa, I would never leave you. But it is really, really, fucking hard to see you like this. It’s destroying me. I…I have to show you something.” I rolled up my sleeves to reveal a line of 3 deep cuts on the side of my upper arm. 

“I love you so much, that you destroying your self destroys me.”

Chapter 20:

I sat there several minutes in silence before pulling down my sleeve. She was staring at me. The facts of the situation were pretty bad. And I had a show tomorrow, of course I didn’t tell her this. Her mother just went home, no one said a word to each other. As I walked out of her bed room, I choked back a sob. 

“Alexa, I’ll bring your stuff tomorrow morning. I love you. I’ll visit from 10-12.” My voice was quaking. 

“I love you Brendon.” Her voice was hoarse from crying and the tube. 

In the morning I brought her clothes, blankets, pillows, and photos of us for her wall, and a love note. I was hungover as I was I drunk to oblivion last night. The visit was sad and It was killing me to see her like this, but I am about to go on stage now. And I am fucking drunk. I’m not gonna lie. 

“Hey guys, it’s Brendon Urie.” I started my usual energetic set, and talked about Alexa. Then I lost it. I started sobbing, just sobbing in the middle of Always. I just couldn’t. I grabbed the mic.

“As most of you know, my beloved girlfriend is in the hospital. I just can’t do this, I’m so sorry. But it’s killing me inside to see her like this. I just I can’t…can..” And then I puked on my feet. I just projectile vomited all over my self. This had to be the worst moment of my life. But I picked the mic back up. Fuck it. “I am sorry. Ok. I am sorry for everything. You can film this if you want. I just can’t do it. I just fucking can’t do it.” I collapsed on stage. Drunk and out cold.

The next thing I knew I was sitting in my house with an ace bandage around my ankle. Dallon was sitting on the chair next to the couch. “You know you passed out on stage right? And puked? And Cried?” Dallon wasn’t being mocking, he just was making sure I knew.

“Yeah Dallon, I know. Why is my ankle wrapped?” My head was pounding and everything was waving in my vision. I felt like an ass.

“I’m sorry. I am an idiot. I’m just was so stressed about Alexa. Ill tweet out an apology later. I have to call her.” I was still swimming inside my own mind. I picked up my phone.

“Alexa, how are you?” I asked my voice sleepy and slurry.

“I heard about last night, why did you do that. You could of cancelled the show, I know about it because Dallon called me.” She sounded annoyed.

“I just love you so much I can’t handle my self. I’m sorry. I’ll be there to visit this afternoon.” My voice was desperate, I couldn’t handle her being mad.   
“I love you too, Bren. I’ll see you this afternoon.” Her voice was cold.

Chapter 21:

I was sitting in Alexa’s room. The awkwardness was palpable in the air of the stale hospital room. I could tell she was mad at me about last night. She also looked so sad with the tube hanging out of her nose. Her eyes were pitiful and I was losing my mind, being sick with worry. 

“Alexa, I hope you’re not mad.” I said, worrying that she would go off on me.

 “Of course I’m not Bren, I just want out of here. I want out of here so bad. I want this tube out of my nose and throat. I want to be the person who fucked you in the leaked tape. I don’t want to be this weak person. I want to strong for you. Because I love you.” She was exhausted, I could tell. Just fucking exhausted.

“Oh Alexa… I want you to try your best. I want you to get better. How long do they think you will be here for?” I was putting my arm around her shoulder, and pulling her into my chest. I was careful not to let her feeding tube get hit, as that would most likely be painful. 

“Around three weeks. Then I have to continue to gain weight outpatient. I should of went in after my suicide attempt. It would of been easier. But I had some great times after that, with you. You give me a reason a to fight. You, and music, give me something to live for, to fight for. To fucking try for.” She seemed determined, very determined. Her eye’s lit up with a fire I hadn’t seen in her since that night at the concert. Suddenly I knew what I had to do, I had to come here everyday, and watch her fight. Watch her as they will hopefully take the tube out. I needed to be there for her, she needed me- and damn- it felt good to be needed. 

A couple weeks later she was allowed to eat in the hospital cafeteria that was next-door, at the medical hospital. I was allowed to eat with her. She had her tube out, and was wearing old T-shirts of mine and leggings. She looked like she was healthier, and was eating full amounts at Dinner or Lunch depending on the day that I went there and when it was planned for. She looked happy, and like she was feeling alive. 

“Brendon, I have a surprise…” I wondered what it could be. I was hoping discharge.

“Yeah, Alexa?” She stabbed her salad, the last thing she had to eat, with her fork and took a bight. She then wiped her face with a napkin. 

“I leave in 4 days. My weight has gone from 91.4 to 125.6. That technically is normal, I believe. I still have to gain some outpatient, but I’m gonna be ok. I really am gonna be ok. I finally feel normal. I want to tour, I want to live. I want to be ok, because I am ok.” She was radiating, glowing and was the Alexa I knew from that first day in the bus. 

I prepared the next 3 days by cleaning the house and decorating for a party, I had all my friends there, and decorated the house with streamers, balloons, and crepe paper. I also had cans of whipped creme to spray at each other. And me and Dallon were going to play, I wasn’t sure what song but I was thinking Hallelujah. I was having her drive home from the place which pissed her off, but she didn’t know what was waiting.  
She opened the door. All the lights were off, except the ones on me and Dallon. “A moment you’ll never remember, and a night you’ll never forget!” I rang out into the Microphone. Then I noticed her reaction. She was crying as she ran up to the kitchen table (yes I was singing on the kitchen table,) and grabbed a mic. “and the time of being sad is over…” she started singing in her powerhouse way of singing that made me want to tackle her on that stage. As soon as the song was over she started singing again, this time a different song. A song I had never heard before. 

She took my blazer off of me, and put it on. And started belting out, no instruments.

“Sometimes… In this life we have a choice to make  
we choose to live, we choose to die, we choose to try…  
to try to do both. But at the end we become everything we are afraid of.

So listen here, this is not a time to cheer. This is a time to realize what—  
and where we’ve been. This is a time to be full of life, to have someone on your side.  
To have someone to standby when things fucking explode. And things did fucking explode. 

So hand it over to me, hand me the chance. To do more than dance, to do more than be a figurehead, to figure out how to get ahead. I don’t want to be chained to the mistakes of the past, because that past is dead. 

In that hospital bed, laying there alone. I knew what I must do.. I knew I had to figure it out,  
I had get out of the submarine that was swimming in my head. For sometimes we gotta make that life or death choice, ya hear me?

So hand it over to me, hand me the chance. To do more than dance, to do more than be a figurehead, to figure out how to get ahead. I don’t want to be chained to the mistakes of the past, because that past is dead.

But anyway… I chose to live and you should fucking choose to live too, and now, now sombody is by my side.”

She took a little bow. “Whad’ya think?” She had just poured her soul into that voice and into that song, and for never having performed it did a damn good job.

“Alexa. That was fucking brilliant. Is that first draft?” I asked, my face beaming.

“Yeah, it was the first draft. I wrote it yesterday. I can tell you like it and I also just want to run into your arms and give the biggest hu-“ Alexa was cut off by my hug and kiss. 

“I think you are the most amazing human being I have ever met. I love you and want you to marry me, I know it’s unexpected and I don’t have a ring. But please, just please. Let me be the somebody by your side.” I had ended up on one knee without a ring, but hey, life works like that sometimes. 

Chapter 22: 

“Brendon!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS GOING ON!!! THERE ARE UNDERWEAR, THAT ARE NOT MINE!, UNDER THE BED. WHO HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING, TELL ME, PLEASE.” She started to cry, but I was in the wrong. I had been cheating, with the producer of the album Alexa and I were making. 

“Alexa… Alexa..” I grab her shoulder, and spin her so she will listen. “I slept with Megan, the producer of our Album. I’m sorry. I slipped. We can still get married, right?” I had finally realized what I had done. It was just one time, just once. I probably fucked everything up. 

“I don’t know Brendon, I need some time. I don’t understand how you could do this. Everything you said, even if it was just one night, how could you?” She was crying as she folded her things into a suitcase, and called a cab. 

“I’ll be at the Bellagio on the strip. Please don’t come down. I’ll call if I want to talk.”

About 3 hours after she left, I was drunk. Slobbering drunk. I was walking around singing Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle hoping that I would just black out. Then I performed a terrible rendition of Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional. Only I was the cheater, I was the person, or type of person the song was about. She was the one talking about the me, the cheater.

Around 2:30 in the morning, I call Dallon. “Dallon, I’m drunk, and I fucked up and everything is horrible and I just want to die, please come over.” The words were all one sentence, strung together by vodka. Strung together by the bitter sense of regret, and awful feeling of knowing that you may not be able to get back to the one you love. 

Dallon walked in right as I was about to black out. 

“Dallon, just make sure I don’t die. Or actually let me choke on my vomit.” I flopped on the couch. 

“I think you should sleep in the tub, to you know, not ruin the couch,”

I stumble into the bathtub and go to sweet world of blackness, that is being drunk and blacking out, and not having to deal with the hell that is reality. 

I wake up and check my phone. Alexa called. I got to senses changed out of my slightly vomit stained clothes. Dallon was still there and had made breakfast. 

“I have to call back Alexa.” I stumbled around.

“Alexa, what are you thinking?” 

“I think I can forgive you. But if this happens again, we are DONE. I am sorry, I know you slipped. I’ll be home later today.” Her voice cold and hoarse, I knew she had been sobbing. And it was all my fault. In that moment, I hated myself as much as one human possibly could hate themselves. 

 

Chapter 23:

She walked in the door without saying a word. Wheeling her suitcase to the stairs, before picking it up, she didn’t even look at me. The amount of damage I may of done was unfathomable. The fact that I could lose her, that nothing may ever be the same. This made me want to slit my throat and bleed out on the floor.

“Brendon, can we talk?” Her voice was about as sharp as an icepick and stung like anti-septic to a deep wound. 

“Yeah, I’m coming upstairs.” I said, getting up. I was still hungover and every light hurt, and my neck was sore from sleeping in the tub. I trudged up the stairs to find her sitting on the bed, knees to her chest. 

“You don’t find me attractive, cause I had to gain weight. That’s why you cheated, I know it.” She had tears streaming down her face. 

“I cheated because I was drunk and stupid, no one is as beautiful as you. In fact I think you are sexier now than before. It was a stupid decision, I was drunk, but that is no excuse. I can’t express how much, how much I regret it. How much I regret making you feel that way. I can’t even fathom how I could hurt you so much. I’ve never regretted anything this much, honestly.” I was pleading, my voice hurt and tired, begging for forgiveness.

“I forgive you, Brendon. Everyone makes mistakes. But this is your last chance. I just want to lay here and rest my head in your chest. I need to see if I can still do that.” She leaned into my chest. I started to sing Shelter by Birdy. 

“Maybe I have said, something that was wrong, can I make it better with the lights turned on?” I sang to her, knowing I was in the wrong.

“I still love you Brendon, I still love you. I want to go swimming. Swimming clears my head.” She stood up and put on a black and blue racing suit, not sexy but made for swimming. I put on swim trunks and, well just swim trunks. Walking out to the pool, I watched as she got on the diving board.

She stood, backwards, arms outstretched to the sky and jumped, flipping around several times, before sliding into the water, effortlessly in the blue water and leaving very little splash. It was breathtaking, and beautiful. I watched in awe and sat on the edge of the pool. 

“You are beautiful. I know you don’t want to hear it but you are breathtaking when you move, you have grace. You have a beautiful way about you. I am in love with you, you know that.” I said, hoping it would help her see me as I used to be.

She swam to the edge of the pool and hopped out. “Brendon, I still love you. But I am also going to push you in the pool.” She laughed and pushed me into the pool, leaving me flopping and breathless. She then followed me into the pool, and hopped up onto my lap. 

“I know there’s nothing hotter than make up sex.” She whispered into my ear. Nibbling on my neck I realized how hot she was. I grabbed her hand and led her out of the pool and back into the house.

“You are going to have to pay for being a naughty boy.” She said as she pushed me down onto the bed. 

“Oh am I?” I answered back, my voice teasing.

“Of course you are, we may be made up, but I’m not gonna let you slide.” She spoke before we got heavy, everything at her command. 

By the end of it we were laying in stained, and wet pillowed (from our wet hair), bed. Tangled up in sheets and skin, I realized we were able to begin again. 

Chapter 23:

Now it was time to actually propose. I mean I guess we were engaged after what I said earlier. But I wanted to make it official. I had selected a 3 karat emerald cut ring, with small blue diamonds on the side and a simple platinum band. I knew she would love it. Well she had to, because it was 17,000 dollars and I don’t think you can return custom rings. But today was the day. She was still asleep, perfectly asleep.

“Alexa get up, I have something planned for us today.” I shook her shoulder. She was a very deep sleeper so I rolled her over to her back. That was when she got up. Stumbling around she put on a high-waisted skirt, and an old Sonic Youth t-shirt. Perfect outfit, and I didn’t even tell her what to wear. 

“Where are we going?” She asked after putting on some makeup. 

“We’re gonna put on a show- eventually. But first we are going to go on a drive, to the airport. Pack a bag. And you may want shorts in stead of a skirt.” I had my bag packed under the bed. 

“You are weirding me out. Do you have plane tickets? Where are we going?” She asked as she threw enough essentials in a red vintage suitcase for a week. I had never told her the length of the trip. It was only 3 days, but I didn’t tell her that. 

I remembered when we first met, in a sound room in New York City. The now defunct Airplane Memories played for us. Suddenly I knew what I had to do in that moment, I needed her. Which meant I needed them. She hadn’t even sung yet. But I knew I needed her, I could feel something when we talked outside the studio. We had smoked a cigarette together outside the studio, it was gold. In that moment I knew nothing could live up to them, to her. We picked them on the spot. She squealed and hugged me and Dallon. Thats why I knew I had to go back there.

“I think I know where we’re going.” Alexa said.

“Don’t guess, and I’m not telling you.” We pulled up into the airport, and parked my car in the long term lot. I held her hand in silence, mumbling/singing lyrics from a song I had not written yet.   
“You know, I’ve had this planned, so it’s gotta be good. And there is nothing more fun than spending time at an airport with the one you love.” I said in a sincere manor. I love airports.

“I love airports. Let’s buy a bunch of snacks and take selfies at the gate. We can sit by the power outlets on the floor.” She seemed to be excited, and she looked very cute. She had switched her skirt for one of those shorts she would wear to the show, with the sonic youth shirt. It was August so it would still be warm in New York.

I pulled out a travel blanket bought at Hudson News or some shit, and a pillow brought from home. Our flight was delayed 3 hours because of storms in New York. But it didn’t matter. I had booked the studio for tomorrow. And it was only 2 in the afternoon. I was about to make a Nine in the afternoon joke, but I forbade myself. She leaned into my chest, and waited for me to say something. 

“I love you, I am in love with you, a whole lot. I wish I could be more poetic, but that says all it needs to for this point.” She set the pillow in my lap and laid down. 

“I love you too…more than you will ever know.” I stroked her hair, as she slept until the flight boarded. 

She got up and stumbled around onto the plane, I held her hand. She was quickly asleep in the seat of plane. Leaning on my shoulder, life was perfect. I did wonder why she was so tired, though. We went to bed at an actually decent hour. I however, fell asleep too. 

Waking up we got off the plane in New York, and took a cab to the hotel in Brooklyn. She seemed happy and energetic. 

“I want to go somewhere nice to eat, the hotel bar has a dress code. And I brought a pretty dress. Do you have a suit?” She was so sweet, and happy. I think she knew what was happening. 

“Yeah I have a suit, let’s go. I’ll order your drinks for you.” I said, as she stepped out in a red flapper-style dress. Then I saw it, I think she had a bump. Oh my fucking god she was pregnant. Yet I was happy, and glad I was proposing.

“Come on let’s go.” I grabbed her arm in arm and walked down to the restaurant. 

The food was good but we both knew what we really wanted. Or at least I did, I wanted to go upstairs and just fuck. I’m sorry but it’s true. I won’t be getting much soon.

“Brendon, I want you to lay down on the bed, but first, strip tease me. You have to work for it. And sing Lying while you do. 

I started singing as she watched, by the time I finished the song I was naked. She was laying there twirling her hair.”Are you gonna take your dress off?

“I was planning to, but more so I want you to take it off. You did soooooo gooooood at taking off your clothes.”Her voice was sexy and playful.

I took her dress off and soon we were exhausted. 

NEXT DAY

“Do you recognize where we are Alexa?” I asked, holding and squeezing her hand in the cab. 

“Yeah..the recording studio where you picked me. Are we going in?” She seemed nervous.

We walked in to the studio when Northern Downpour started playing, right on que. I sang to the instrumental track, and then led her out to balcony where we shared a smoke, overlooking the city, Getting down on one knee I pulled out the box. 

“Alexa Megan Rankov, will you marry me? You are the love of my life.” I was getting choked up. 

“Brendon Boyd Urie, I will. I also have an announcement. I’m pregnant.” She was crying.

“Oh Alexie, oh, that is wonderful” I picked her up after putting the ring on and hugged her. 

Chapter 24: 

So it was official, we were engaged AND she was pregnant. Which was freaking me out, like how could be a Dad? I still feel like I am 12. It was like all this rsesponsablitly was coming down at once. The wedding was planned for tomorrow, because this is before she started showing too much. We were just going to go and get married at the house with just a few people. She had started dress shopping. I was going to wear a normal suit, with satin trip. We had only waited a month from engagement to wedding. I decided to have the dress be a surprise, as it should be. 

I was standing at the alter next to the justice of the peace, and waited. She was walking herself down the aisle, to Birdy’s cover of Skinny Love. The few friends that were in attendance stood up when the music started. The outside was beautiful, the pool reflecting the sunset sky, and shadows casting long. Then I saw her. She was as breathtaking as I’d ever seen her. In a pale blue dress that went to her mid-shin. The dress had beading at the top and and was flowey at the bottom. I had a tear run down my face. Life was stunning. Everything was stunning. She made her way up and faced me, tears running down my face. 

“Do you, Brendon Boyd Urie take Alexa Megan Rankov as your lawful wedded wife?” The justice asked.

“I do.” The simple reply spoke volumes.

“Do you Alexa Megan Rankov take Brendon Boyd Urie as your lawful wedded husband?”

“I do.” She choked back a tear. 

“I know pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Brendon Urie. You may now kiss the bride.” I kissed her and the few people cheered. We walked down the aisle as man and wife, and maybe this time it will last, forever. 

Our first dance was to If I Tremble by Front Porch Step. It was beautiful. We were, and are in love. After all the circumstance we went back into the house, and just laid there, on the deck, just laying on the wooden surface, watching the stars. 

“I want you to know that you just made my life. That all I could want I have. Right in this moment is where I want to stay forever. Just you and me, forever. If I could freeze time I would.” I kissed her on the nose. It was hard to believe it had just been a year with her. 

“I love you Brendon. More anyone, more than anything, I just want you to know that tomorrow we can find out the gender of the baby. I was thinking after that we should announce it publicly. 

“I can’t wait to find out.” We changed into comfortable clothes and I looked at Alexa’s stomach, inside her was our child. We had made something, we really had. Snuggling up close to each other, everything was all right. We were all right. Life was really starting to shape up for both of us.

When I woke up in the morning something was wrong. Very wrong. The bed was covered in blood and Alexa was gone. “ALEXA!!! PLEASE ANSWER!!! WHAT IS WRONG?” I hollered at first thinking a crime had been committed. 

I heard sobbing from the bathroom. Suddenly I knew, she had lost it. Either slit her wrists, or lost the baby. 

“I lost the baby. I lost them. I lost it. I went to the doctor. You were still asleep. I didn’t even think to wake you. It’s gone. I’m mourning for what was still the idea of a family, the idea of a life, the idea of a person. It wasn’t even yet something we had announced or told anyone, but I am mourning for the idea. Not for the child. It was too early to be a child, it was an idea, it was cells. But it was our idea.” She choked it out between sobs, as I came in to find her curled on the floor, on top of a towel.

“Why didn’t you wake me up Alexa? I would of wanted to support you. I want to be there for the good and the bad.” I said, rubbing her shoulder. 

“I just didn’t even think, I was in a state of panic. I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” She stood up, and started walking to the closet. Pulling out the original t-shirt I gave her, in what felt like light years ago, on that tour bus. Suddenly everything was collapsing on me at once. Six Months, that was all it took. Six months. But it was all worth it. Everything was worth it. 

“Alexa, it will be ok. It probably just means that this wasn’t the right time. I’m here, I’m always gonna be here.” She walked over to the bed, and started changing the sheets. Then I started singing Always. After the sheets were changed she collapsed into my chest as I sang. 

“Blink back to let me know.”

 

Chapter 25: (the song in here is my own original song btw.) 

She sat with a diet Mtn. Dew in her hand, she hadn’t been eating again. In fact we’d barely spoken in the last two days. She would lay on the couch and write, what I am assuming are depressing songs, and I would sit ad drink. Neither of us were ok. Because at the end of the last two days we both woke up somewhere on the floor or outside, hungover and miserable. Where were the people we used to be? Where were the people we were on that tour bus? 

“Alexa, I want to sing. Your song, you said you wrote more. I want us to sing it. Please, we can’t live like this. It is terrible but I want you to know that I am here for you. I want us to be ok. I mean we are married for fuck’s sake. Somewhere we managed to forget that part. I just want to sing with you.” I lifted my head up from the bar counter and picked up the paper she had tear stains and ink running off the page into puddles at the bottom. “Just sing.”

She said nothing, but started to sing.   
“Sometimes… In this life we choose  
we choose to live, we choose to die, we choose to try…  
to try to do both at the same time  
But at the end of the day we are everything we are afraid of  
We are the masters in our head  
singing their own swan songs  
afraid, afraid, afraid

let the swan sing  
let it sing  
let my ears ring

So listen here, this is not a time to cheer. This is a time to realize what—  
and where we’ve been. This is a time to be full of life, to have someone on your side.  
To have somebody by your side when the explosions ring out   
and your played out 

So hand it over to me, hand me the chance. To do more than dance, to do more than be a figurehead, to figure out how to get ahead. I don’t want to be chained to the mistakes of the past, because that past is dead, and I’ve got to get ahead. 

In that hospital bed, laying there alone. I knew what I must do.. I knew I had to figure it out,  
I had get out of the submarine that was swimming in my head. The ocean of thought that the swan is trapped in, singing its song.  
swan or no swan, one day we will all sing that song

So hand it over to me, hand me the chance. To do more than dance, to do more than be a figurehead, to figure out how to get ahead. I don’t want to be chained to the mistakes of the past, because that past is dead, and I’ve got to get ahead.

I don’t want that swan to sing its song. I want that swan to dance, to swim on the calm seas my mind has become. I’m setting the swan free, for me. 

Now swim, fly or float away, you are not welcome right now. “  
“That was beautiful. Utterly beautiful. You will never fathom how much I love you.” I sat down next to her and watched as leaned into my shoulder. 

“You are the most wonderful human being ever. I want to tour. I want to live. Because these moments are precious. I want to open for you guys, I’ve secretly been recording some of my own songs.” She seemed alert, and happy. But what I was going to say would, hopefully, make her even happier.

“Dallon and I want you to join Panic!. I’m serious, we want you to be the permanent guitar player and the permanent back up vocalist, lead on some songs. Please, we need you. All the fans love you.” I finished asking her. 

“Really, cause I would fucking love that. I mean I know most of the songs. And to think I thought Dallon hated me. Huh, who knew?” She seemed happy for the first time in the last two-ish days. 

“I think we should listen to what I’ve been recording. Dallon and I have been working on a new album. I have tracks for you to record. I want your song on it.” I led her into the music room, aka the second bedroom. 

I watched her as I played the tracks from the album. They were all finished, except the 5 that she needed to sing on. “I need you to sing. The album drops next week. I kinda was waiting to surprise you.” 

“Oh my god. Are we touring? How did I not know?” She was freaking out, but in a good way. We recorded the tracks. She sounded and played amazingly. At the end of it, I wanted to lay on the small room’s floor, the carpet itching my back. 

“Yeah we will tour, but right now I just want to listen to the album and lay on this itchy carpet floor with you.” i started to lay down and she soon followed me in suit. We laid there and listened to the album.

“I love being Mrs. Urie.” She said to me, before closing her eyes, as we listenined to the album.

Chapter I-Lost Count This is Running My Life- but please comment

We walked around the Las Vegas strip. She was wearing a skirt and half top, and I had blue slacks and dress shirt with a bow-tie. We were both slightly drunk, or more drunk than that probably. I had lost count at 8 vodka shots, and for her I lost count at 6. Basically we were plastered. 

“Brendon…bren.. weshoulddokaroke.” She slurred together.

“We tottttallly should, I think this shitty ass bar has it.” We walked into the bar. They didn’t even card us, so no worries about Alexa. Then we got up on stage, and sang what is possibly the most cliche song ever. Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey.

“A smell of wine and cheap perfume… Stranger’s wait-“ We were singing together, and not that off key for as drunk as we were. Then someone shouted out from the crowd.

“Aren’t you that guy from panic! at the disco? and his girlfriend- you by the way are incredibly hot-brendon whatever’s girlfriend. I would so fuck you, come down here baby!” The crowd hollered at this drunk guy’s taunt to Alexa. He looked like he was about 45. 

“You can only dream of it-like I’d ever touch you.” Alexa taunted back. I, even drunk, didn’t like where this was going. He got up and started walking towards Alexa. He then stepped up to plywood stage and put his hand on Alexa’s shoulder.

“Hey get your fucking hands off me, jesus fucking christ!” She shouted and stepped back, in process the man teared her top off. 

“Listen here fucker, no one touches her like that.” I slammed my fist into his face, as the bar erupted into chants of “fight fight.” But soon i realized he was stronger than me. He grabbed my arm as I pulled away from the punch to his face. In one twist he snapped my wrist and I yelled. “Someone call the cops!” Then I realized he had a gun. Mother of fuck, we were going to die.

He then pulled the gun on Alexa, right to her head, when someone came up on stage. “Detective Anderson, put the gun down or I’ll shoot. I just came out of the bathroom when all this was happening.” She looked tough, but the detective was tiny. 

The guy dropped the gun and she handcuffed him. She then told me to come with her partner, Detective Stevenson. He gave Alexa his police jacket to cover her and took us into his car, well police car. They were taking me to the hospital for my clearly broken wrist. In fact I was unable to move it and the fact that it looked quite deformed, told me right away it was broken. Alexa was shaking and crying in the police car. They were writing her up for underage drinking. 

When we got to the hospital they casted my wrist. Alexa was treated for a few cuts and given some valium to calm her down. I myself choose a lime green cast. Alexa signed it, along with the detectives. I was now on Percocet. They guy whose name was, Alan Pertrankis, turned out to be on parole. So he was going back to jail. And I was coming down off being drunk. 

The cops drove us home. In fact we signed autographs for Detective Anderson’s teenage daughter, and I just wanted to go to bed. And take another Percocet. The guy Alan, didn’t press charges on me. 

Next Chapter: 

Alexa was pacing early in the morning. She woke me up when she kicked into the trashcan. She was still wearing the police jacket from the detective and leggings. Holding her arms across her chest, she seemed upset. I popped a Percocet in mouth, cause my wrist hurt like a motherfucker. Getting up and walking towards Alexa, I watched as she sat down on the couch, my self soon following her. 

“Alexa, you’re ok. It happened last night, and they stopped him. There were good people there, detectives- but you have every right to be upset. He had a gun to your head. I understand why you are upset.” I started rubbing her shoulder. 

“i just don’t understand how that could happen. We were just having fun.Why would anyone do that? I don’t understand…I just don’t get it.” She took sips from a water bottle.  
“I know. Some people are crazy. But we have a tour to plan, remember that album we recorded? A Fair Shake at Nothing? It drops tomorrow. As a surprise at midnight. So we have to work on our tour outfits, and shit. Come on, let’s go.” I thought this would cheer her up and it did need to be done. 

“Ok Brendon, I think I have an idea of what I want to do, it’s artsy. And a little bit weird. But trust me.” The spark returned to her eyes. 

_________________________________________________________First Show of the Tour

“We are Panic! at the Disco!” I yelled into the microphone- the stage was blackened out with one spotlight on Alexa. She was wearing a yellow pair of shorts, and a top that had a black spandex band around her chest, and flowey black fine mesh for the rest of the top, hanging to her knees. The intro to “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” started playing. Then she started singing it. 

The crowd freaked out as the light stayed only on her until the chorus. Then the lights came on all of us when I took the mic during the final chorus. She was wearing heels, and looked like something out of a different genre. 

“How’s that for shaking it up?” She asked pulling my leather jacket off, and putting it on her self. The crowd cheered. 

“Well I’m gonna tell you I think this was great. But I’m gonna sing for the next song, and she’s gonna kick ass on the guitar.” He said, as we started Camisado.

I was standing there in a tank top and tight leather pants, and I mean TIGHT leather pants. I sang mostly through the set. But then it got time to the second to the last song, Northern Downpour.

“We’re gonna play an old one, but it’s a good one. Here’s northern downpour.” I started to sing and so did she. It was beautiful. “Goodnight you guys!” We did hand in hand backflips (which took lots of training but turned out pretty cool.) 

We walked off stage and towards the bus, I wanted Alexa, wearing that tight leather jacket. As soon as we got in the bus, I shushed her with my finger. “Alexa come back to the bunk.” She lifted off her jacket. She laid down on the bunk.

“I want you to do whatever you want to me…please just do something.” She was laying there naked. And OH.MY,GOD. it was hot. 

“Come on, BRRRRRREEENNNNDDDDOOOONN.” She was taunting me, as I started making out with her, she did my favorite thing- she traced my collarbone.

Dallon came in the bus at the end of our little romp. “Are you two having sex?” We just moaned at the very end, 

“I’m gonna take that as a yes.” He laughed.

 

Chapter 30- according to wattpad

THE LAST SHOW OF THE TOUR____________________________________________

“Alexa is gonna be playing guitar on this one, instead of singing. Don’t worry- you’ll get that show lat-“ There was a loud crash in Alexa’s direction. I looked over, she was on the ground guitar on top of her. 

“We’re gonna shut the curtain but we’ll keep you updated.” I quickly shouted out.

The medic came running on the stage, along with me and Dallon. She was out cold, breathing but out cold. Though she was eating. Then it came to me, Drugs. That had to be it. They put her on a stretcher and wheeled her to an ambulance. She is still breathing. They get her to the hospital as she wakes up. 

“Alexa, what the fuck, are you on drugs?” They start an IV line and got into a bed, before drawing blood from said IV line. 

“I snorted coke before the show. I’ve been doing it for a while. I just wanted a rush, a high, and it helps you lose weight. I’m not an addict though. I could stop. I just wanted a little fun.” She didn’t seem to understand how serious it was.

“You collapsed at a show, this is serious. The last show of the tour.” I was crying, and I was angry, very angry at her. How could she do this? It’s not like it was her eating disorder where it wasn't here fault. She chose to do coke, she chose to do this.

“Listen, I won’t do it again. Ok. They are gonna let me go, and then we can go back to the bus. I’ll give you what I have left. I don’t need to go to rehab.” She was pleading me, how did I not see this. I mean she was having nosebleeds but other than that, nothing. That or I was stupid. Maybe looking back I could see it, she didn’t sleep much.

“Alexa let’s just see what they say. But you gotta be honest with me, and if you do it one more time- thats it Rehab. I can take drinking, but coke. What is this the 90’s?! Seriously, Alexa. You gotta get your shit together. First you cut yourself, then you try to kill yourself, then you have an inpatient stay for anorexia, and now you’re on coke? What the fuck?” I get up and pace around the hospital room when I notice her crying.

“Brendon, you of all people should understand what its like getting famous, or semi-famous, when you’re young! Do you know how much pressure I feel- I do everything you want me to do, I’m stressed the fuck out. I just toured again, and I’m sorry if I’ve made some poor choices. Just kick me out, I’ll fucking get out of the band and out of your life.” She was crying rather loudly, and I think she was coming down.

“Alexa, that’s not what I meant. I love you, we are MARRIED. I just mean you need to focus on yourself. You need to care about yourself. You can’t just do everything I want you to. You need to stand up for yourself. If you feel stressed just tell me. I don’t want to pressure you.” I sounded exasperated as the nurse came in to take out the IV, and say whether we could take her home. 

 

Next Next Chapter:   
They were letting her go home. Secretly I was hoping they would send her to rehab, after dealing with addiction with Spencer, I couldn’t stand to see her go that way too. It also made her too skinny again. I felt like she was too much to handle sometimes. Was it really worth it? Lately the bad moments are outweighing the good moments. Maybe her bipolar was acting up. I just wanted a drink. 

Dallon, Alexa and I rode home in silence. She was coming down and I was already angrier than I had been in a very long time. The tour bus was an unwelcoming place this time, Alexa in her own bunk, reading a book and writing. She didn’t eat or drink. By the time we got back to the house, I was thinking of ending it. I couldn’t do it. Then she starts talking.

“You know what Brendon, you pushed me. I felt I had to keep up with you, to be as spectacular as you, to be like you, some of us just don’t have that in us. And I think it’s best if we take sometime apart.” She was emotionless…numb looking. 

“ALEXA, I LOVE YOU. I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE LIKE ME, I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME. I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.” She starts to walk towards her tour suitcase with her purse in hand. 

I grab her hand, her other hand, and try to stop her from going. Instead, on accident, I pull her to the floor. Her body slams down on the ground, and she starts to cry. In that moment I realize, I am my own worst enemy. I just slammed my wife down on the ground and pushed her to her breaking point.

“Brendon, brendon, bren…don…how could you do that? I thought you weren’t like that. Through everything, EVERYTHING, you were nothing but gentle and kind. And now you yank me to the floor. What are we both becoming?” She sits up and continues, “I am a drug addict fake, who is a crazy piece of shit, trying to live up to the persona she believed you were when she was 15. And you are a Loving, kind, individual who I have pushed to his breaking point, who has become just like my father, literally pulling me to the ground.” She has tears running down her face. 

“No Alexa, I am a piece of shit who can’t deal with his own life, and pushed you to be the persona, the persona I never was, that people believed I was.” I was crying now too. 

“Sing with me, or after me. Just this verse.” I say.

“You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way”

Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. I repeated it after her as she stood up and walked up to bed. Somehow we are both didn’t say another word, but slept like a corpse next to each other. Both unsure of where to go from here. 

Some chapter some where:

I woke up early that morning, Alexa was still asleep, I snuck out of bed and put pants on. Getting out a pack of cigarettes, I went outside to smoke in the crisp October air. After about 10 minutes of chain-smoking, I ran out of cigarettes. I grabbed my keys, and went to get more cigarettes. It was actually cold out, and had been over a year since we met. I had just turned 30 and she just turned 20 in April and May, respectively. 

By the time I pulled into the driveway with a new pack of Camel’s, Alexa was up walking around, wearing my old robe. Which surprised me, maybe she would talk to me. 

“Alexa, wanna smoke?” I offered polity. 

“Why not? Are you gonna push me off the deck?” She took the cigarette from my hand and walked to the deck.

“I am not going to push you off the deck. I am sorry about what happened, can we please just talk. We are MARRIED, Alexa. For better or worse, till death do us part. We stood in that yard and married each other, with those among other words. And I am incredibly sorry for pushing you, and will take that regret to my grave. But I love you. And you know I love you. Please, please…I’m sorry.” I couldn’t take her being that mad at me. I couldn’t take it. I loved her, I was in love with her. She was my life, and if she left I might as well die. 

“Brendon, Brendon. I love you too.” She takes another cigarette and lights it. “But what happened the last three or four days makes me think that you love the idea of me. You love the persona I put on on stage, you love the fun loving Alexa who is having sex with you, you even love me in when I’m crazy, like a lost puppy, you want to rescue me, and you’ve realized you can’t.” She takes a drag and flicks off the ash. 

“Alexa…I love every part of you. I’ve loved each and every part of you that you showed me. I love you, I’m sorry if you feel like that. But I want you to know that I love you, more than anything, more than life its self. I love the good about you. I love the bad about you. You are my whole world.” I was so afraid she was going to leave, my voice was getting desperate and pleading. 

“That’s it, I can’t be your whole world, and you can’t be mine. We need to support each other, we need to be there for each other without being so wrapped up in each other. When I’m your whole world, it’s too much pressure. Same for you. We have been everything in each other’s lives and it just got too intense.” She put out her cigarette in the ashtray on the deck table. 

“You are EXACTLY right Alexa. I think you need to perform solo. Make something of your own. You have so many songs you could do. I think you should, really.” I suggested to her.

“I think that’s a good idea, Bren.” She called me Bren. She must not be too mad anymore. 

______________________________________________________________2 months later  
“Brendon, the album is done. Do you want to listen to it?” She asked, she hadn’t let me hear anything so far. 

“Of course honey, I’ll be right there.” I was sitting on the couch, and then walked into the bedroom, where she had the vinyl pressing on the turn table. 

It was beautiful, a mix of pop punk angry vocals, and guitars and drums on some songs and beautiful soft mixes of acoustics and synthesizers on others. The title of album was, For the Ones Who Don’t Love You Back. She was releasing it under the name Alexa Urie, dropping her maiden name. And I was so proud. 

Chapter 33: I think…

Alexa’s album got great critical reviews. She announced that she would be touring to support it at a later date. I guess she wasn’t in the mood to tour. She seemed to be doing really well. Much better than before.

“What do you want for dinner Alexie?” I asked, thinking she would respond with something I could make for her. 

“Nothing Bren, I’m good.” She was reading the alternative press article that got her the cover. When she was done I went over to the table and read the article.

Alexa Urie doesn’t have to worry about the ones that DON’T love her back, she has enough people that do. Formerly of the short lived group, Airplane Memories, and the second wife of Panic! frontman Brendon Urie, she has a lot of potential. At 20 years old, she’s had her fair share of experiences. We sat down with Alexa at a coffee shop by her and her husband’s house.

Alexa has an iced coffee in hand, even in the winter. She sits down and starts talking about her first solo album. “I wanted it to be personal, I wanted it to be real and raw. I wanted it to show me in all my failures. I wanted it to be different too, and I think I did that.” We would agree, as the album was rated by us at four and half stars. 

Next the elephant in the room is addressed. Her passing out on stage with panic! from a cocaine overdose.

“I was in a dark place, I was trying to live up to a persona I could never live up to. I turned to cocaine to fill something in my heart that needed to be filled by people, not white dust I snort up my nose. I learned my lesson. I really did.” She was being very sincere and honest, we then started talking about the inpatient stint in an eating disorder clinic she had. 

“My eating disorder stems from that I’m a perfectionist. My parents expected me to be perfect, and to have it all together- even when I didn’t. When I was on tour I felt that way again. I got down to 91 lbs at five foot nine. I was unhealthy, I was sick looking. I have to say to anyone out there, starving yourself isn’t worth it, please love yourself.” I then asked her how Brendon was. 

“Brendon is great, our last album (she is billed as a member of panic!), went over well, and except the cocaine the tour went excellent. We are very happy. He’s like the better half of me.” 

Alexa got back into her car and drove home (I assuming), and that’s when I realized she was going places. I suggest watching out for both Alexa Urie and Panic! at the Disco. 

“Alexa, the article they wrote is really nice. They seem to really like your album.” I said, I was so proud of her. This album was her baby, her work, what brought her back to life. And this album was created without any sort of persona attached. It was just, Alexa Urie. 

The cover of the magazine was her in a pair of heels and a blazer with a band t-shirt for Sonic Youth, and high-waisted tight shorts. Her hair was gelled back and up, and she had kick-ass eyeliner on. She looked hot.

 

Chapter 34: 

1 Year Later__________________________________________________

It had been one year since we had talked. One whole year, the last thing I said to her was. “I will always love you, no matter what.” She had walked away in silence, but I heard her whisper “Northern Downpour sends its love.” 

I saw it online. She had killed herself, but before that, I got a call. From her attorney, naming me the sole custodian of Brendon Alexander Rankov-Urie. We had a kid, I had a kid. He was only 4 months old. And he was mine. I read her note. I read it over and over and over, as it was addressed to me.

Brendon, I have loved you since before I met you. But I have to do this. Please take care of Brendon, Jr. I can’t continue like this. My life is beyond my control. I see the light Brendon Jr.’s eyes and I realize he is so much like you. Please treat him right. Let him see me for who I was not who I am writing this note. I’m calling the police right before I fade so he gets taken care of. I love you, and I hope you will always love me. I’m blinking back to let you know.

Love, forever and always,

Alexa Urie. 

I was heartbroken. But I had a promise to keep to Brendon. My Brendon and to Alexa, my Alexa.

“Forever and Always, Northern Downpour sends its love, Brendon. Alexa sends her love to me and to you Brendon. She’s blinking back.” I whispered to him before crying and walking in to the funeral.


End file.
